Chapter 4 - Satisfaction vs. Disappointment
My first pregnancy found me highly uneducated and uninformed about birth, not only because it was a subject that wasn’t very openly discussed while growing up, but also because I didn’t do any personal research. Obviously having no experience, and never really having heard that there even was anything to research, I just blindly accepted hospital policies and whatever doctors said, assuming that since they were the professionals they knew better than I and surely would do what was best.
The biggest thing I really had going for me was faith in God. I may have been naive, but at least I was not afraid. Although we didn’t know much to ask for, the few things we did specifically ask and believe God for, like which doctor we wanted to be on call, He faithfully brought to pass.
This birth had a lot of interventions. I was given Pitocin®️ for augmentation of labor, an early epidural, was kept in bed the whole time, my water was broken artificially, baby was continuously monitored, an episiotomy was performed, and more. There was also no such thing as delayed cord clamping or immediate skin to skin with my baby after birth. Despite all this, everything worked out amazingly well including breastfeeding, especially considering what I now know about how often those types of interventions and practices can produce complications and interfere with bonding and feeding. My entire labor was only twelve hours start to finish which I later learned is also not very typical for that type of first birth.
Although it was a highly medicalized labor with said unnecessary interventions, I didn’t feel traumatized at all, largely because I thought that was normal birth and because of the absence of fear. However, deep down inside there was a sense of disappointment, like a quiet, inner knowing that it could have been different or better. At this point in life though, that was very easy to just dismiss into a deep dark corner.
