Fear, Manipulation & Control Disguised as Safety in Pregnancy & Birth

Humanity has an unhealthy obsession with a skewed perception of safety. That may sound wrong because, What do you mean? Of course, everyone wants to be safe! It’s a basic human need. That’s true. God Himself wants us to be safe, and has given us promises of protection and safety over and over in the Word. That’s why I say a skewed perception of safety. Notice how when the subject of safety comes up, it’s usually tied more to fear than it is to comfort. Most conversation about safety is rooted in fear, and ever since sin entered the world, fear is what has been used to control people. It’s about fear for safety, not about believing that you are safe, or being comforted by the promise of safety.

2020 is an excellent, fairly recent example. Massive control infringing on basic human rights was exercised in the name of safety. And still, even those who were most compliant with every mandate and life-sucking rule didn’t truly feel safe. They were still largely driven by fear, never sure if it was enough. Fear is never satisfied.

We’ve been re-watching The Hunger Games recently, and whenever you see these kinds of dystopian stories it can be easy to think, Yea, well, if that was me I wouldn’t fall for it. I wouldn’t go along with it. I wouldn’t see that kind of world as safe. I would see through the facade. I would know better. But the thing is, I think we are often faced with the same types of scenarios, maybe just at a smaller scale or lower intensity level. Does that make them safe, or warrant compliance? When it’s an extreme situation like a dystopia, the fear-based control is obvious, but what about when it’s more subtle or accepted as a societal norm, like giving up bodily autonomy in birth, or being told where you have to give birth, or not being given choices on how you give birth?

What about in the religious world, where fear based control and domination in the name of God and under the guise of submission too often runs rampant and keeps people in bondage?

It seems like almost anything is accepted by society as long as you can convince them it’s for the purpose of “safety”, regardless of any other aspect, such as free will.

There can be a very persuasive temptation to believe that if I just keep my head down, don’t fight back, just do what’s asked or expected of me, don’t cause trouble, and trust that those in power have my best interest in mind—then I’ll be safe and keep peace. Then I’ll keep my loved ones safe. But is that really what it means to be safe? Can true safety really be driven by fear?

Notice that when there is an effort to control people and their decisions, you can almost always guarantee the safety card will be played. In the religious world it may be presented as what you should do to please God, because if you don't, He might get you, and that’s not very safe, is it.

In the birth world we see it all the time. “We just want your baby to be safe.” And it works, because duh. Of course, if anyone wants baby to be safe it’s their own mother. Because she is selflessly willing to do anything for her baby if she is convinced it will be best for them, fear tactics are, sadly, very effective. Whether or not the proposition she is being manipulated into really will keep anyone safe gets trumped by the fear that noncompliance will undoubtedly jeopardize their safety. Her love and intense desire to protect her baby is often used against her, just as would happen in a dystopia like The Hunger Games.

None of us were created to be controlled and dominated over by other people. That’s why no matter how much we mentally try to reason and tell ourselves it creates safety, deep inside our knower, if we just pay attention we know that’s not true. Even our body knows it’s not true. That constant tension, the knot in your stomach, the sinking dread, the feeling of heaviness, always feeling guarded, the inability to relax and reach a state of calm…all these things are messengers. Maybe you’re trying to convince yourself of something that can never be true. Has so-called safety actually become a prison?

Ultimately, control never actually works. It may seem to, at least temporarily, but as in the dystopian scenario, eventually somebody who allows something bigger than fear to reign is going to break out from under it, or die trying, because again, it’s not what we are designed for and we can’t force our hearts to agree with it. Even if someone can be controlled physically or outwardly, the heart is not that easily controlled. And even if someone was broken inside and out, completely defeated to the point they have no heart or fight left, the fact that they had to be broken to get to that point still proves that everything in them was screaming no. Why? Because down to our very DNA, we were created by love and in love for freedom. For those who are willing to be honest, look on the inside, dare to face the truth, and dare to let love be bigger than fear, they will never be able to force themselves to be okay with living under domination and control. It’s impossible.

Living under fear and control is not really living, no matter how many safety labels are slapped on it. When you don’t have choices, or are coerced and manipulated into decisions, or fear is the motive behind what happens or is said, that’s not real freedom. Without real freedom, we can’t come alive to the fullness of life. How much do we miss out on by always just playing it safe instead of stepping into the abundant life Jesus came to give us?

I’m reminded of Mark 8:35, “Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it.”

Luke’s version says, “Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.”

One thing I hear in this is: The tighter you squeeze, the more it slips through your fingers, especially when what you’re trying to control is other people. This is one big reason we are starting to see more and more women turn away from the conventional medical model in pregnancy and birth. When they see and experience domineering attempts to control and manipulate their decisions, often to their harm or disadvantage, it only serves to drive them away. That’s not to say it only happens in the medical system (or that it always happens in the medical system). This is something that happens in every arena—from the medical world as a whole, to the birth world both inside and outside the medical system, to the church world, to marriages and relationships, to business. Everywhere.

The word save in the scripture above is the Greek word sozo, which means to keep safe and sound, or rescue from danger or destruction. Isn’t it interesting that the key to safety and soundness is to quit being so obsessed over it? That takes a lot of trust that the last parts of those verses are absolutely true—“will save it” and “will preserve it”. See, the issue is not with wanting to be safe. The issue is in what or who we are looking to for that safety. The issue is in what we perceive to be true safety. Is our only concept of safety one that is surrounded and driven by fear? 

The issue is whether or not we actually trust God to be our source of safety. It is, on one hand, about “letting go and letting God”, but not necessarily in the sense that many may think. Trusting God for our safety and protection doesn’t mean throwing our hands in the air and accepting that whatever will be will be. It doesn’t mean throwing wisdom out the door (although often fear is also disguised as wisdom). It doesn’t mean purposely doing stupid stuff, as though to deliberately put God to the test (Satan tempted Jesus like that—“God has said He’ll protect you so throw yourself down from here.”). It doesn’t mean disregarding the voice and personal leading of the Holy Spirit, whose job is to guide you into all truth. It doesn’t mean whatever God wants, that’s what’s going to happen, no matter our own choices. No, to truly build faith and deeply believe in God as your source of safety, you have to find out what He says about it—His heart on the matter—because otherwise you have no foundation or ground on which to build trust. 

It’s like I Peter 5:7. “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” You can’t truly cast the cares without believing that last part—that He cares for you. Knowing that He cares for you is the foundation for casting your cares. Likewise, it is because you know that His will for you is safety and protection that you have grounds for trusting Him to keep you safe.

So what would happen if we did completely trust God when it comes to safety? Could we break free of unhealthy, ungodly control from other people? Could we make our own decisions with the help of the Holy Spirit, knowing that if we follow Him, they will always be the best possible choices? Would we dare to once again live like free people, unhindered by false illusions of safety and peace rooted in fear and never capable of being satisfied? 

One thing I’ve thought about a lot the last few days is that, truly, the only thing stronger and more powerful than fear is love. Love is the only effective answer to fear. It starts by knowing how much you are loved by God, and what love really looks and acts like. What does love produce, as opposed to what fear produces? Even to discern what is of God and what isn’t, we must learn to recognize the difference between the fruit of love and the fruit of fear. 

Fear is bondage. Love is not.

Fear is darkness, and is heavy. Love is light.

Fear holds you back. Love propels you forward.

Fear drains and depletes. Love gives live, energizes, and nourishes.

I John 1:5 says, “God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.” That means there’s no fear in Him. It doesn’t come from Him. It can’t. He is love, and perfect love is the only thing that casts out fear. (I John 4:18)

So take honest stock right now. What is your reaction when you think about certain things? Is there dread when you think of your next prenatal visit with your care provider? Why? In what scenarios do you feel drained and depleted instead of encouraged and built up regarding pregnancy or birth? Are there mindsets, environments, conversations or circles holding you back from having faith to believe the best and pursue what is really in your heart for your pregnancy and birth? And how much of it comes back to the safety card or playing it safe?

If any of this resonates with you, or has helped you see something you haven’t seen before, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.