Real Life

If you are reading this because the title caught your eye, maybe you came expecting to hear about something messy, hard, or challenging. Maybe my kid smeared poop all over the floor, my house is a never-ending mess, I lost my temper, the car broke down, the kids are sick, I got no sleep last night, the dog vomited on the couch, I just can’t seem to get my ducks in a row, I’m in a spiritual crisis, or some other catastrophe. Because after all, that’s real life, right??

Yep, those things can happen and here's to no shame or condemnation. But this post is coming from a  less-discussed perspective that has grown in me for a long time. First, let me throw out some commonly used words and phrases that are almost like a culture in themselves.

Authentic. Transparent. Real. Raw. No filter. Be you.

I actually love all those words and mottos when the motive behind them is pure. In many ways, it’s a very healthy mindset. I mean, who wants to be around people who are fake and pretentious? We want to know that other people are also just people, like us. We also don’t want people wasting their life unsuccessfully trying to measure up to the illusion of perfection that is prevalent today, especially on social media. We’ve had enough of people who are one way in public, and another way in private, leading to the belief that if we publicize our private, everyday life, people will then see the “real us” and feel they can trust us. I get all of that, and I know that much of the time there are good, well-meaning intentions behind a lot of it.

While I write this, there are piles of laundry around me that I didn’t get around to putting away yesterday. My office desk is cluttered and unorganized, there’s a coffee stain in the carpet (any tips on getting that out?!) and it’s just an all-around messy room at the moment. That’s real life, right?Maybe I should post a reel to make sure people know how real my life and I are. But guess what. Did you know that once I clean up this room (and I will) it’s going to be just as real?

See, there’s this attitude or mentality that unless I’m highlighting the messy, ugly, dirty, hard, negative or painful, I’m not being real, authentic, or transparent. As if those things are more real than the good, beautiful, positive, pleasant, or easy.

Over and over, I see that when someone talks about hardship, it’s met with comments like, “Thank you for being vulnerable and transparent.” Okay. That's fine. I'm sure not criticizing that. But when’s the last time someone said that in response to a glory story or a good thing?

“Thank you for showing us what REAL LIFE looks like! Thank you for BEING REAL with us!”

For example, when do people respond that way to someone's birth story that was without any complication, that went exactly as they desired, that was full of joy and free of fear, and really just couldn't have gone better?

It raises the question: What is your greatest reality? What is most real to you? Some people are criticized as being out of touch with reality because they're too positive or they speak faith-in-God-filled words, calling those things which be not as though they are, just like God does. (Romans 4:17) Does this mean God is also out of touch with reality?

See, when someone seems to have an entirely different reality than you do, you feel you can't relate to them, and they couldn’t possibly understand you. You might even dismiss them as fake or unrealistic, calling it toxic positivity. But what if that person you might dismiss because they seem too happy and perfect simply doesn’t accept that ugly is the only real, or the most real? What if they have simply decided to focus more on good reality rather than hard reality? And who, at the end of the day, is the kind of person that can help pull others out of the hopeless pit of negativity, defeat, and despair? Someone who magnifies the good, or someone who magnifies the hard?

I’m not saying there are no challenges, everything is always roses, or we never fight battles. I’m saying those things are not more real or the only things that real life consists of.

This is not about condemning real life conversations in which we may discuss the difficulties of life or things we’ve been through. Sometimes the Lord leads us to talk about these things because it’s going to help someone else. (leads and because are key words) Also, we need to be honest about needing help if that's the case, instead of fearing how we'll be met if we talk about what's really going on. It's not about sweeping things under the rug, or denying a problem that needs to be addressed. My point here is: maybe start thinking about using the same hash tags on the beautiful, lovely, and of good report posts as we do on the hard ones. #reallife

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

Honestly, I think sometimes people are afraid to do that, because they’re afraid then they won’t be seen as keeping it real. We all really do want to be seen as authentic because that is what allows us to connect with people.  But the truth is, you can’t focus on the good and the ugly at the same time.

Whatever I magnify becomes bigger in my eyes, thereby standing out to me in my mind's eye as the greater reality, even if it's not. So, what if we started to focus more on the good realities (which are just as real) instead of the hard realities? That is then what would be magnified and become bigger in our lives. What you think about you bring about.

Finally, if my desired and promised-by-God reality doesn’t match my current reality, what better thing can I do than to focus on, highlight, and give the most attention to my desired reality (based on the Word of God) until the two align to become one and the same?

Written in 2018. Edited in 2024.